Forgiveness

"Forgiving yourself is the hardest thing to do."

I found that advice interesting, but I never thought it applied to me when I was younger. Let me tell you a little story from personal experience. If you don't mind...

I did my share of pondering about what was right and wrong and considered myself well adjusted and informed to the right side. I thought that was "ethical". I refused large bribes, I didn't steal, I earned. I stayed honest with people... in heavy-duty architecture, engineering, and construction no less, and when it came to my record, it was spotless for the go-getter and ass-kicker I was. I was proud I made things happen... ahead of schedule, below budget, and of excellent quality. That's the project manager's triangle... and the rule is, you can only get two... I got three! All of the time. The secret was productivity... getting people to work with each other better. Much better! I did that exceptionally well on construction projects, I knew my stuff and I was very proud... possibly cocky... I might of even thought I was heroic. I made millions for people, a lot of people did well... I was rewarded for that!

Unfortunately, my career became my whole identity. Other parts... suffered... hidden behind that pride. I was on top of the game. I was a winner! That can hide a lot!

As a man of 53 years old today I can say a few things about what I thought I knew and what I know now. Boy, did I miscalculate things... I thought I had excellent evidence and research... bullet-proof in my mind at the time... in many cases I even tested it... I was very confident... but then you look at the Dunning-Kruger graph! I had to admit I made mistakes... big mistakes. 

For the past few years... and maybe it's more like a decade... I've been in the greatest struggle of my life, with my greatest adversary, myself.

The second hardest thing to do... face the truth about yourself. 

As a man, to not know fatherhood while being good father material, in this day and age... is so close to unforgivable, it's a hair's breadth away... 

To let the one who loves you more than you love yourself, slip from you... that too... is so close to an unforgivable mistake.

Multiple times!!! Still... just a sliver away from unforgivable.

To be so convinced "I am right" was more important than "I care about you"... so nearly unforgivable.

To be so convinced, I wasn't afraid of anything... when the reality was... fear ruled my life... too afraid to reveal the real me. To even know the real me existed, right under my nose... blind as fuck! Dummy! Like a robot... I did what was programmed. Unbelievable, yet less than an millimeter from unforgivable.

Blindness to the religion of fiat money!

Blindness to the traumatizing going on everywhere. To cooperating in perpetuating the trauma! 

Blindness to the whole materialism thing... as stupid as a dog chasing his own tale!

Blindness to the criminal nature of government. The most abusive abuser... just let go scot-free day after day after day. Praise God forgiveness exists!

Blindness to the mind control... the depth of it... the psychological ramifications... fuck they've been gaming the mass's minds since the 15th century! And not to know that???!!!

Blindness to the value of attention. And the games played with distraction... so close to unforgivable!

Blindness to the stupidity of the blame game. 

Blindness to the blatant message of emotions. Losing control of them speaks volumes... about the one losing it.

I could go on, but I think the point is clear. If I was a gunner shooting at the target of unforgivable... I was so close so many times... at times like a machine gunner unloading everything at it. Yet, a miracle... never hitting!

When Plato wrote the words... "A life unexamined isn't worth living"... he hit the button that resonated through time.

With all that's happen, and with the way things are today, I am committed to taking the time to truly know myself... and de-crappify my mind. Whatever it takes, it's worth it! And it's not just for me... it's the least I can do for everyone else, for humanity. This stupidity has to end... and it begins with #1.

How am I making progress? My first three. 

1. My labor of love... I call it Ethical Emergence. It's a course that I facilitate. Suffering is no way to live. Joyful living... is what I'm aiming for. To practice the life that is worth living each and every day. If that sounds interesting to you or you'd be interested in joining me, please reserve some time with me. I promise you it will be worth it... 

2. My family and friends. That includes my creditors, and everyone else that has had to put up with much adversity from me... I've been difficult and stubborn. To be serious, the fight I have engaged in with myself was life or death... I'm not sure who knew it better... me or them. But for those who supported me, I am forever in their debt. 

3. Discovering and enlightening myself and others to the many forms of wealth beyond financial.

Forgiveness applied is amazing, especially when you know where to apply it. And I'm still learning! 

Forgiveness. Such a powerful benevolent thing. Don't underestimate it.