How to deliver and receive critical feedback... the beauty of asking for permission!
Thanks to attending an Accountability course courtesy of Ron Renaud and Autonomy, I got interested in the idea of asking permission. Subsequently, I was reviewing an old Forbes article from 2015 I found, it contained some really valuable advice that included step one, asking permission.
"Many people are very reticent when it comes to giving critical feedback. It’s because we’re so uncomfortable with the emotions that can arise from it—our own and others’. We hate to offend and we loathe hurting other people’s feelings or inciting resentment, which only exacerbates existing issues. The safer option is to simply say nothing, let people continue on as they are, and just hope they’ll eventually realize how their behavior is hurting them and impacting others. But problematic behaviors that may seem obvious to you are rarely obvious to the person exhibiting them. Let’s face it; if it were easy to see how our actions limited our success we’d be more proactive in changing them!"
"Which is why, if you can see that someone is acting in a way that limits their success (or effects your own), you do them a profound disservice if you shy away from giving them feedback for fear of causing offence."
"However, whether it’s someone you’re managing or someone you simply care about seeing do better, integrity calls you to stop playing so safe and to lay your own comfort on the line for the sake of the good your feedback might do."
"...before you open your mouth to offer feedback, take time to get really clear about why you want to give it and how doing so will provide a genuine service to the person you’re giving it to. Likewise, criticism that comes from fear—or the fear-related emotions of insecurity, defensiveness, anxiety, anger, jealousy or pride—is guaranteed not to land well and will likely just amplify defensiveness."
"When it comes to actually delivering the feedback, it’s important to focus on the behavior you want to see more of , rather than the behavior you’re hoping will change."
The four steps: 1)Ask for Permission; 2)Be specific of the Current Behavior your wanting to point out; 3)the Effects of that Behavior; 4)Identify the Desired Behavior.
Describing step one the author states: "No-one enjoys hearing feedback about what they aren’t doing well, but they’ll take it on better if you first ask if they’d like to receive it. Just ask, "Can I share some feedback with you that I hope will be helpful?" This simple question can reframe your words from being about you making a judgment to you trying to be helpful. When my client Lisa actively sought feedback, she asked for three specific things she could do better. Doing so made it safer for others to be candid with her. By asking for permission to give feedback, you make it safer for the person hearing it."
On steps two and three she states: "Be clear, concise and come armed with recent examples to illustrate what you’re talking about. For example, "During this morning’s meeting, when you gave your presentation ..."
Most of us aren’t fully aware of how we "show up" for those around us. Hearing that people find us abrupt or unfocused, difficult or disorganized can feel like a punch in the gut. So go gently in sharing the effect that you see someone’s behavior has on you and other people and how it can impact their future. Make sure they understand why it’s in their best interest to listen to your feedback and act on it accordingly. If they don’t see how their behavior is actually hurting them, it will be hard to motivate them to change it."
On step four: "Finally, state the behavior you’d like to see more of. The more specific you can be, the better!"
Overall, this is some valuable suggestions. Especially the idea of asking for permission. The opportunity each of us has, in every relationship is to get better at spreading excellence. One of the easy ways to do that is by simply saying... "Would you mind if we focus on excellence? I may have something valuable to offer you! Would you be interested?" Getting that "Yes!" can make a world of difference!
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